I know it's been a couple of weeks, but I have a perfectly valid excuse. Turns out, once family leaves and it's just you and the Kidlet at home alone, time isn't exactly on your side. Babies sleep a LOT, but the increments they sleep in aren't exactly conducive to productivity. I change him, feed him, burp him, and rock him back to sleep and he sleeps just long enough for me to choose to do one of the following:
Eat
Shower
Clean
Make a phone call
Sleep
Just one of those. There is never time to do all or even 2 of those things. I must choose between ONE. Blogging tends to take a backseat to say...eating or sleeping. Except tonight. I should have gone to sleep awhile ago when S went down. But I didn't...and now, it's too late. If I turn off the lamp and the tv and shut down my computer...my eyes will close just in time to hear him stir. Or scream. Whatever.
So, instead, I'm taking the time to touch base. Fill you guys in on the world as I know it now. Clearly, I smell, am sleep deprived, my house is a wreck and I'm starving. Okay...I really don't smell. I did shower tonight.
I wish I could say that we're settling into a routine, but that's a lie. Newborns don't "do routines" I have gathered. No, they like to call the shots. Mix it up on you. He is going through a growth spurt right now. Again. So, whereas previously 5-6oz of formula would net me at least 3 hours, sometimes 2 depending on how active we were being, now he'll eat a couple of ounces, pass out, and then be back up 30 minutes later screaming for more. *sigh*
Speaking of formula, I quit breastfeeding a week ago. It was just too much to get used to a baby and I alone in the house and he was cluster feeding so I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't get up to get anything to eat or drink. He would eat for an hour to an hour and a half and then 10 minutes later be ready to go again. So, I made the move to exclusively formula feeding. I have really struggled with that decision. I feel like I have failed as a mom in so many ways. My rational brain says that's ridiculous, but the mommy guilt is strong in this one and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I gave up too soon. I'm working on re-establishing my supply so that we can try again, but I'm also struggling with THAT decision. Do I just get over my own hang-ups regarding formula and let my kid get fed the easiest and fastest way...or do I give him what is supposedly "best" for him even if that means a few more weeks of stress and adjustment for both of us? I am kicking myself for giving up. If I had stuck it out, at this point we would have been through the hardest part. But, now it feels like we're back to square one.
I really don't have much more to say right now. The haze is starting to set in on my eyes, so I'm going to try to sleep. Even if only for 5 minutes before he wakes again...perhaps soon I can get back here and finish my thoughts.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Parenthood: The First Week
*Disclaimer: This post contains some graphic content on account of it being a story about the after effects of childbirth. Read on at your own risk.
Well, Sebastian is now 8 days old. It's hard to believe a week has already passed since bringing my beautiful son into this world. It's been a whirlwind of an adventure. There is so much that people don't tell you about the first days of motherhood. There are a ton of obstacles to overcome, adjustments to be made, and tears to be had. But, on the same token, there are so many moments of awe and joy and just profound love for someone you created.
We've had our challenges. Breastfeeding for one. I spent my first night at home crying hysterically with Sebastian as we tried and failed time and time again to get him to eat. His progress at the hospital seemed to be like Vegas...it stayed there as we drove off into the sunset. Over the first few days at home, I seriously doubted my ability to feed my child. He would scream and push away while simultaneously trying to find my breast and eat. Once he would finally latch, he would nurse for about 10 minutes and then fall asleep. How on earth was he supposed to be full after only 10 minutes! I had an 8 pound baby. He was supposed to be hungry and eat for an hour in my eyes. My nipples hurt terribly due to the first days of learning to latch and every feeding was a nightmare of searing pain while I tried to fight through it for the sake of feeding him. Finally, we decided to supplement with formula. Neither of us were making any progress with me being stressed out about his feeding schedule. After that first bottle or two, things started to level out and he even started seeking out the breast on his own accord. I cried with relief and pride that night. We're still supplementing with formula but he gets way more nursing sessions than bottle sessions at this point and he doesn't seem to have any bit of nipple confusion or milk confusion. It's nice having he best of both worlds.
Before experiencing childbirth firsthand, I thought for sure that my recovery would be somewhat easy. I expected some pain, but not the level that I have had. Nobody tells you that the area the baby actually comes out of doesn't hurt. Noooo... it's the other side. The backside. Or the Dark Side as I like to think of it. And, unfortunately, everything you do is connected to your ass. Coughing, sneezing, laughing, puking, etc. Sitting is torture, walking makes you want to vomit, and going to the bathroom...well, let's just say my first time I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. I'd have a good day or two and then I'd have a setback. I know my recovery is a little more difficult than it would have otherwise been if not for the 4th degree tear. However, this past week has had me doubting future children. I hope I do forget the painful parts, because it's not something I'm anxious to do again. Not anytime soon.
It seems like it's been an awful first week... and it's true. Some parts have been positively horrid. But, every time I look into Sebastian's eyes...even as he's murdering my breasts...it's all worth it. He is healthy and happy and is a wonderful baby. He sleeps through the night fairly well...only waking once or twice to get changed and eat and then he goes back down. I know that'll change once the newborn sleepiness wears off, but for now it is nice. He had his first pedi appointment yesterday and got a good bill of health. And, he's gaining weight nicely, so I'm not nearly as stressed about his feeding anymore. (Of course, today, he started cluster feeding every 2 hours for about an hour at at time...he's on his way to being a chunker, I'm sure.)
Having my family here has been a Godsend. I could not have done it without my mom, dad, sister and aunt. They have been here to help me through the learning curve. Yes, there is a certain level of maternal instinct that we have as mothers, but it is so easy to second guess yourself and doubt yourself. I have to remember that I truly do know what's best for him, but it's so hard when the nurses and doctors pump you full of textbook information. The truth is...there are no textbooks that can tell you how to parent. You have to rely on your instincts...but it's helpful to have family around to remind you that you are doing a good job and making all the right decisions.
I will admit, that even though I swore I wouldn't be...I'm super paranoid. Having my mom here at night is the only way I've been able to sleep this week. Otherwise, I'd be up all night long staring at him...making sure he's still breathing. I'm terrified inside sometimes, and I'm trying to control that. I know it's all in God's hands and that my baby will be just fine, but it's hard not to worry myself sick about him. It sounds so cliche but it really is incredible just how much I love him. He is my greatest achievement.
Right now, he is sleeping next to me...full from his bottle. His little hands curled up under his chin... and my heart melts. I'm trying to savor these little moments. Even though I'm in pain, tired, and a little scared...I know I can't get them back and they are more precious to me than anything in the world. I'm off to stare at my angel sleeping.
Well, Sebastian is now 8 days old. It's hard to believe a week has already passed since bringing my beautiful son into this world. It's been a whirlwind of an adventure. There is so much that people don't tell you about the first days of motherhood. There are a ton of obstacles to overcome, adjustments to be made, and tears to be had. But, on the same token, there are so many moments of awe and joy and just profound love for someone you created.
We've had our challenges. Breastfeeding for one. I spent my first night at home crying hysterically with Sebastian as we tried and failed time and time again to get him to eat. His progress at the hospital seemed to be like Vegas...it stayed there as we drove off into the sunset. Over the first few days at home, I seriously doubted my ability to feed my child. He would scream and push away while simultaneously trying to find my breast and eat. Once he would finally latch, he would nurse for about 10 minutes and then fall asleep. How on earth was he supposed to be full after only 10 minutes! I had an 8 pound baby. He was supposed to be hungry and eat for an hour in my eyes. My nipples hurt terribly due to the first days of learning to latch and every feeding was a nightmare of searing pain while I tried to fight through it for the sake of feeding him. Finally, we decided to supplement with formula. Neither of us were making any progress with me being stressed out about his feeding schedule. After that first bottle or two, things started to level out and he even started seeking out the breast on his own accord. I cried with relief and pride that night. We're still supplementing with formula but he gets way more nursing sessions than bottle sessions at this point and he doesn't seem to have any bit of nipple confusion or milk confusion. It's nice having he best of both worlds.
Before experiencing childbirth firsthand, I thought for sure that my recovery would be somewhat easy. I expected some pain, but not the level that I have had. Nobody tells you that the area the baby actually comes out of doesn't hurt. Noooo... it's the other side. The backside. Or the Dark Side as I like to think of it. And, unfortunately, everything you do is connected to your ass. Coughing, sneezing, laughing, puking, etc. Sitting is torture, walking makes you want to vomit, and going to the bathroom...well, let's just say my first time I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. I'd have a good day or two and then I'd have a setback. I know my recovery is a little more difficult than it would have otherwise been if not for the 4th degree tear. However, this past week has had me doubting future children. I hope I do forget the painful parts, because it's not something I'm anxious to do again. Not anytime soon.
It seems like it's been an awful first week... and it's true. Some parts have been positively horrid. But, every time I look into Sebastian's eyes...even as he's murdering my breasts...it's all worth it. He is healthy and happy and is a wonderful baby. He sleeps through the night fairly well...only waking once or twice to get changed and eat and then he goes back down. I know that'll change once the newborn sleepiness wears off, but for now it is nice. He had his first pedi appointment yesterday and got a good bill of health. And, he's gaining weight nicely, so I'm not nearly as stressed about his feeding anymore. (Of course, today, he started cluster feeding every 2 hours for about an hour at at time...he's on his way to being a chunker, I'm sure.)
Having my family here has been a Godsend. I could not have done it without my mom, dad, sister and aunt. They have been here to help me through the learning curve. Yes, there is a certain level of maternal instinct that we have as mothers, but it is so easy to second guess yourself and doubt yourself. I have to remember that I truly do know what's best for him, but it's so hard when the nurses and doctors pump you full of textbook information. The truth is...there are no textbooks that can tell you how to parent. You have to rely on your instincts...but it's helpful to have family around to remind you that you are doing a good job and making all the right decisions.
I will admit, that even though I swore I wouldn't be...I'm super paranoid. Having my mom here at night is the only way I've been able to sleep this week. Otherwise, I'd be up all night long staring at him...making sure he's still breathing. I'm terrified inside sometimes, and I'm trying to control that. I know it's all in God's hands and that my baby will be just fine, but it's hard not to worry myself sick about him. It sounds so cliche but it really is incredible just how much I love him. He is my greatest achievement.
Right now, he is sleeping next to me...full from his bottle. His little hands curled up under his chin... and my heart melts. I'm trying to savor these little moments. Even though I'm in pain, tired, and a little scared...I know I can't get them back and they are more precious to me than anything in the world. I'm off to stare at my angel sleeping.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Welcome to the World, Sebastian!!
Note: I originally posted this on my birth club message board, so some of the terms/abbreviations may not be familiar. DH is Dear Husband, LO is Little One. Baby AB is the name I've used for the little guy on the board since my initials are AB. Anyway, Here is the birth story for Sebastian. It's long but hey...so is labor.
On Wednesday, September 5th, I had my 40 week appointment where the OB and I decided that if Baby AB didn't come on his own, we'd induce on Thursday, September 13th. This was provided he pass another NST on September 11th otherwise, we'd induce that day. OB stripped my membranes and said if it were going to work, it'd be that day.
I went home and told DH about the plan. All afternoon, I showed no signs of labor and woke up without a baby that next day. Thursday morning, I got a call from my parents saying they were coming early and would be here Saturday evening. (They live 20 hours away and were driving up) I called DH and let him know and he told me that he had been thinking about it and would rather me be induced on Saturday because of the risks involved in going past 41 weeks. I agreed and called the doctor and scheduled my induction for Saturday, September 8th.
We called our friends and family and told them what was going on so that they would know. All the while DH was commenting that it would be cool if he came on is own on the 7th. (Our anniversary is 11/7 and my parents is 3/7...7 has pretty special meaning to us) However, I knew how stubborn LO was going to be and told him not to count on it.
We went to bed that night around 10pm. I, as usual, got out of bed around 11pm and hung around the living room fighting heartburn. I finally went to bed around 1am feeling pretty bummed that I STILL was showing no signs of labor. (I had secretly wanted DH to be right. lol)
I woke up at 4:45am to roll over (yes, I had to actually wake myself up to hoist my big ass to the other side.) As I rolled over, I felt a gush of fluid. I immediately jumped out of bed, successfully avoiding AF all over our sleep number mattress. I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet as fluid poured out. (Awesome mental image, huh? Sorry, ladies)
At that point, I was simultaneously excited and scared shiitless. This was IT. I cleaned myself up, and woke DH to let him know my water broke but that I was going to take a shower and he could sleep a few minutes longer. After my shower, I woke him up and we proceeded to get our stuff together and get ready to head to the hospital. In the meantime, my contractions started. The first couple were not bad...pretty much the same kind as the "are they or aren't they" cramps I'd had for a couple of weeks. By 6am, they were full blown, one minute apart and very intense.
We loaded up and headed to the hospital...stopping at Dunkin Donuts for donuts for the nurses. While DH was inside getting the donuts, I decided, I was getting the epidural. I had been positive I could handle it and get through med free, but these contractions were a nightmare.
We arrived at the hospital at 6:30am and got checked in. I was at 3cm and 80% effaced and still contracting every minute. I had wanted to wait awhile longer to get my epi, but since there were several c-sections on the docket for the morning, I opted to go ahead and get it rather than be forced to wait hours.
Let me tell you...BEST decision I have ever made. Ladies that go natural...I salute you. I am NOT the bad ass I thought I was. lol... In the 45 minutes it took to get me checked in and get the epi placed, I had progressed to 4cm and was at -1 station. This was at 7:15am. I had worried that the epi would slow my progress and that I'd be started on Pit, but we watched the contractions on the screen stay at 2-3 minutes apart.
I was checked again at 1:30pm and was at 9cm and 0 station. At 4, they checked and I was 10cm but they wanted me to wait to push until I labored him down a bit more.
I started pushing at 5:05 and pushed for 3 hours. The OB that was on call was convinced that I needed Pit, but my nurse kept stalling him saying I didn't need it, as I was laboring fine on my own. DH was amazing this whole time. He was helping me push, coaching me, counting me down, and just being right there for whatever I needed.
The OB finally let me know that LO's head was stuck under my pubic bone and that in order to get him out, he would need to use the forceps to deliver him. By this point, I just wanted him out, so I agreed to the use of forceps. DH watched the whole process go down. lol...I always imagined he would stay at my head and not want to see anything but he watched the entire thing and the only part that actually got to him was the episiotome.
Finally, at 7:45pm, Sebastian Floyd was born at 8lbs, 1oz and 21.25 inches long. He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Looks exactly like his daddy and has a head FULL of dark hair.
I had some minor damage...4th degree tear and the episiotome. It took the doc about an hour and a half to get me all sewn up and ready to go.
Sebastian and I have had a few breastfeeding challenges, but I think we're on a good track and he's been eating very well in the last few days. I love him so much and just can't wait to watch him grow.
I will say that pretty much everything in my birth "plan" went out the window from the beginning, but none of that bothered me. I had the exact birth that was needed to get him here safely and that's what I needed. And, again...thank GOD for the epi...even if I could have handled the contractions, I couldn't have done the pushing and delivery without it. lol...
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